Within the journal enterprise, the Again Web page is the place you’d discover all of the bizarre goofs that we could not slot in anyplace else. Some might name it “filler”; we want “an entire web page to make horrible jokes which are tangentially associated to the content material of the magazine”.
We do not have pages on the web, however we nonetheless love horrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular characteristic, Again Web page. This one’s about cows.
Are you able to be moo-ved? Keen to be taken to the udder limits? Nicely then, you are in the fitting place, pricey associates, as a result of that is maybe the top of my work right here at Nintendo Life: A semi-definitive prime 12 cows in video video games, primarily based on a proprietary and top-secret grading system that I cannot be revealing at the moment.
I used to be going to make it all cows in video video games however then I began counting all of the Harvest Moon video games, and I needed to throw myself off a cliff, so I’ve narrowed it down to simply 12 (plus honourable mentions). You are wel-cow-me.
Resident Evil 4
Do you know Resi 4 had a cow? Nicely, now you do. Sure, the inhabitants of Valdelobos have quite a bit on their plates, what with the Los Illuminados and the Plagas and Salazar going nuts, plus some boyband-looking weirdo and his ineffective good friend stealing all their ammo and valuables, however that does not imply they cannot nonetheless interact in some good old school animal husbandry.
This somewhat emaciated cow lives within the village with all its little cow associates and provides a short respite from all of the Issues That Need You Useless. This cow couldn’t care much less for those who lived or died, Leon, so long as you do not attempt to kill it first. It is simply dwelling its joyful little cow life, fully unaware of the phobia that awaits you, as a result of cows do not know what zombies are. I envy this cow and its blissful ignorance.
Stardew Valley
Why so low down, Stardew? Nicely, these cows are simply… high-quality. They’re simply high-quality. They solely are available in two varieties — white and brown — they usually haven’t any enjoyable milk flavours. Even Stardew’s chickens are available in blue, black, and gold!
Clearly, ConcernedApe is just not a cow man, and that is okay, you understand? However contemplating that ConcernedApe has particularly mentioned that he was influenced by early Harvest Moon video games… the place’s the cuteness? The place’s the adorably spherical nostril? I am sorry, Mr. Barone, however for those who can put dinosaurs in a recreation, you can also make your cows no less than 20% rounder.
Divinity: Unique Sin 2 – Definitive Version
Should you’ve performed Baldur’s Gate 3, then I implore you to take a look at Larian Studios’ earlier work, Divinity: Unique Sin 2, an RPG with all the guts of BG3, however with much less of a Dungeons & Dragons affect. In DOS2, you’ll be able to summon gore blobs that will help you in fight, make out with a skeleton, and invade the desires of a lizard — oh, and it can save you two people which were polymorphed into cows.
Now, these cows aren’t notably cute or loveable. Their names are Geraldine and Mabel, they usually’re simply regular individuals who received became bovines. You may have to cope with exploding rats, electrical frogs, potion making, and a battle with a witch to avoid wasting them each, which does not sound too onerous, however shock — it is really one of many hardest fights within the recreation, and also you’re in all probability solely stage 5 at this level. After which, when you’re completed with that, come again to the cow-people and restore them to common human life.
The rationale they’re on this checklist is that they are very humorous. It is enjoyable to pay attention to 2 cursed cow-people bicker about whether or not or to not discuss to you, and much more enjoyable for those who come again with out the power to speak to animals, which can outcome within the two of them bickering simply the identical, however in moos. There’s even a bonus shock that you simply get if you efficiently return them to human type — however I will not spoil that.
Oh, and for those who drink the potion your self? Congratulations, fool. You are actually a cow. Completely.
Minecraft
Minecraft cows will not be cute. Actually, their wall-eyed stare makes me need to keep away from them as a lot as attainable. However I can not deny that they are iconic, and higher but, they’ve flavours. There’s your primary cow, which is available in brown-and-white, wanders the fields, and waits to be became beef. There’s additionally the fantastic, distinctive variant of Mooshrooms; these fellas are available in pink and brown variants and are the only inhabitants of the mushroom fields biome, the place no different mobs can spawn.
I will let you know a fast story: in Nova Scotia, the place I dwell, there’s a place known as Sable Island. It is a small crescent-shaped spit of sand within the Atlantic, and nothing lives there… besides about 500 feral horses. These light creatures roam freely, unbothered by most people, doing no matter it’s horses do. I believe that is lovely. Mooshrooms remind me of the Sable Island horses. They know nothing of battle or woe. They only vibe, man. I believe that is lovely.
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Many of the cows on this checklist are right here as a result of they’re lovable. This cow — and it’s one specific cow from Ocarina of Time — is right here as a result of I like it. As a result of it raises deep and considerate questions on life. As a result of it teaches us the worth of perseverance and dedication.
That is the cow within the gap. Particularly, the cow that lives within the Secret Grotto, which may be present in Dying Mountain and Hyrule Discipline. Each different cow within the recreation lives at Lon Lon Ranch, besides that one cow that lives in a cage in Kakariko Village (poor factor), and this cow, the cow within the gap, the cow that lives by itself in a cave. How did the cow get there? How does the cow keep alive? Is the cow okay?
Should you play Epona’s Tune to the cow, she’ll really discuss to you earlier than providing you with milk, saying that the track “jogs my memory of the pasture”, which is surprisingly touching dialogue from a thriller cave cow. Then she says “have a few of my refreshing and nutritious milk”, which makes issues bizarre once more. Nonetheless, free milk.
Facet notice: Do you know there’s really a Cow% OoT speedrun? And that the present document is 28m 48s? Video video games are so nice.
Mario Kart sequence
Apologies to Moo Moo Meadows and Moo Moo Farm followers — I do know you are on the market, and also you’re in all probability my foremost viewers for this checklist — however I will be smooshing collectively the three cow variations for this one. First, there are the Moo Moo Farm cows from Mario Kart 64: rotund, blank-eyed, and really clearly a 2D billboard in a 3D world, these are near the platonic ultimate of a Good Cow, however their flatness mixed with their lack of ability to get out of the gosh darn street makes them extra of a legal responsibility than a good friend.
Taken from the 2D realm into the 3D finally, the Moo Moo Meadows cows from Mario Kart Wii had been an unbelievable replace on a timeless cow traditional, however… nicely… they’re simply fairly cow-shaped, you understand? I really like a cow-shaped cow, however as you may discover out from the remainder of this checklist, I like a cow that is been taken to cartoonish cuteness extremes much more. The Wii Moo Moos are good cows. They’re simply not nice cows.
Fortunately, Mario Kart 8 cut up the distinction, making the Moo Moo Meadows inhabitants a lot rounder, and a lot stupider. Do they nonetheless block the street? In fact, that is the purpose of Moo Moo Meadows. However they appear much less like they’re doing it out of spite (just like the Wii ones) and extra like they’re simply a lot too dumb to dwell. I prefer it. I like these cows.
Contin-moo on to web page two to dis-cow-ver my prime six cows in video games… 🐮