Because it says within the Bible, “I wish to be the perfect, like nobody ever was.” May there be a extra true passage? I don’t know; I didn’t look. However should you’re right here studying this web site of ideas, methods, and opinions, you’ve most likely felt the urge in your soul to turn out to be a champion. There could also be billions of individuals taking part in video video games around the globe, however haven’t you ever puzzled what it will be like if you – sure, you! – had been the perfect at a recreation? I’m not speaking about getting a excessive rating at a laundromat that resets its Ms. Pac-Man machine each evening.
I’m speaking about being the perfect in the complete world. The best gamer on all of Tremendous Earth. When different gamers get cute and assume they’re placing up numbers, they see your rating and weep realizing they’ll by no means overcome your spot on the leaderboard. That’s the candy stuff, child. Put it straight into my veins. Being so good at a online game that it breaks one thing in a complete stranger. You wish to lock down your home in excessive rating historical past so exhausting that it makes different individuals really feel dangerous. The by no means ending quest to beat your weaknesses and to indicate the world that you’ve got precise worth as a human being whereas everybody else is nugatory.
It is a story about a woman named Fortunate a person who needed to turn out to be the best gamer in the complete world. Reader, that man is me. And reader, I nearly did it. For actual. There have been moments I may style it. I used to be this near changing into the best participant who ever lived.
At Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball.
Oh, I didn’t count on to tackle this burden. It wasn’t intentional. I merely like Pinball FX. Should you’re not conversant in Pinball FX or don’t perceive how you can decide up context clues, Pinball FX is a recreation/app that permits you to play – look ahead to it – pinball. Some based mostly on bodily tables, some purely digital. A couple of are free to play. For the remaining, you possibly can subscribe to a service or purchase them individually. And, whereas in a situation greatest described as “lower than sober,” I purchased numerous pinball tables. A whole lot of these had been classics like Star Trek: The Subsequent Era. And, as a result of I get pleasure from Christmas, I additionally purchased Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. The very fact these purchases had been made two months after Christmas doesn’t and mustn’t matter.
At first, I performed the classics! Why wouldn’t I? It had been years since I’d taken on the pinball variations of The Twilight Zone or Star Trek. And since I owned these tables, I may actually dive in and determine them out! I used to be going to get good on the classics! Oh, I sucked at first! Actual dangerous! However then I had among the finest video games of Star Trek: The Subsequent Era I’ve ever had! And, people! Take a look at the place I ranked with 110,214,170 factors!
Ten thousand, 4 hundred thirty seventh on this planet! Why, that’s not too dangerous! It’s not good! However it’s not too dangerous! And undoubtedly a rating you possibly can clearly inform I didn’t obtain once more. However at the least I’m inside a stadium-sized-audience of being the perfect on this planet, proper? Proper? Expensive God, that was the perfect I may do and I wasn’t even approaching greatness. I didn’t assume I’d – nevertheless it’s nonetheless a hell of a factor to do your greatest and discover out that nearly each different sentient human being is healthier than you.
So I performed a couple of different tables. All enjoyable! Wee!
Lastly – I imply, actually lastly of the 24 tables I purchased – I performed Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. And after my first recreation, I positioned within the 500s. Let me repeat that: In my very first recreation, I ranked among the many prime 600 individuals to have ever touched Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. I may’ve deleted the sport from my Steam library and nonetheless identified perpetually that I used to be among the finest avid gamers on Earth on one particular digital pinball desk. I’ve by no means been within the prime 600 of something apart from suspects.
Which made me assume: If no person was taking part in this desk aside from me and different weirdo psychopaths like me, then perhaps – simply perhaps – I may turn out to be the highest gamer in the complete world at Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. For the primary time in my complete life, I could possibly be the perfect at one thing that didn’t contain crying within the bathe or regretting a protracted, emotional e-mail. I may do that! It additionally helped that I had a really lengthy aircraft trip forward to go to a sick relative.
Now, you may be questioning, “Is Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball a great recreation?” That doesn’t matter. It’s superb. It’s a online game pinball desk for youngsters based mostly on a 75-year-old sketch’s Christmas particular. It’s precisely what you’d count on. Have you ever performed pinball? Have you ever seen Charlie Brown Christmas? That’s all it’s essential to know. Actually, should you’ve even achieved simply one of these two issues, that’s all it’s essential to know.
The excellent news is, Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball is a reasonably easy desk in comparison with numerous the Pinball FX choices. There aren’t many hidden lanes or methods, so determining the easiest way to rack up factors isn’t too exhausting. Truly doing it’s a problem! However you study fairly early to simply bust up Lucy’s psychiatry sales space till you handle to get multiball. Which I used to my benefit. All of a sudden, I used to be within the 400s. After which the 300s.
Though “instantly” may be a misnomer as a result of it took me hours to crawl up this checklist little by little. Which is the way in which it needs to be. However it’s most likely unhealthy that I’ve put extra time into Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball than Helldivers 2. Then once more, none of my buddies have handled me like a dick for by chance calling in an air strike on Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. They positive have for Helldivers 2, although!
The draw back of the simplicity of the desk is that you just hear the identical sound results over. And over. And over. Each rattling recreation I’ve to listen to that Charlie Brown likes Christmas, however he’s depressed. And a baby shouting “shoot the director gap” by no means stops being bizarre. To not point out the Charlie Brown theme tune which – as you would possibly count on – will get previous after the fifth or sixth hour of play. By the point I lastly reached the 200s within the rating, I’d scream the sound bites again on the recreation as they occurred.
For a quick second, the 200s had been my ceiling. I couldn’t fairly crack it, whereas the sport’s repetition was beginning to crack me. I personal a great pc and a Steam Deck and I nonetheless haven’t completed principally each good recreation that’s come out this 12 months. However I needed it. I needed to know that I may get into the 100s. The scores above mine weren’t too excessive. The relative who I used to be visiting requested me what I used to be taking part in and I screamed “NOTHING” like I used to be watching porn. That’s how embarrassed I used to be.
However I obtained there. 153. The 153rd greatest participant on this planet isn’t dangerous. Lots of people can be pleased with that rating if this had been Avenue Fighter or Mortal Kombat or FIFA or Name of Obligation or Overwatch 2 or actually every other online game outdoors of that Recent Prince zombie recreation all of us simply came upon existed. Actually, that’s most likely the one different recreation I could possibly be the 153rd greatest at. Don’t tempt me.
I didn’t cease. I couldn’t cease. As soon as I’d hit the 100s, I needed to limbo below that bar, too. I needed to be within the prime 100 gamers of one thing. Something. So I spent hours – whereas staying in a location much more sunny and enjoyable than the place I normally stay – taking part in spherical after spherical of this cursed recreation. Youngsters screaming at me to hit the left loop, the appropriate loop, the left heart loop, the mailbox, all the pieces. The tune looping and looping and looping. Somebody requested if I used to be watching Christmas films and I placed on headphones and locked the door to the lavatory.
And I lastly did it. I cracked the highest 100. I went full Tommy and crushed the desk as exhausting as I’ve ever crushed it. My response instances heightened. My thoughts was like Scarlett Johannson’s in Lucy. “To data.” After which like an entire dork, I noticed how effectively I used to be doing and immediately my arms changed into plastic oven mitts that couldn’t hit the appropriate buttons.
And so I ended up at 51st. Hell yeah.
At that time, I needed to cease. Not simply because I had reached a purpose I didn’t assume I’d attain, but additionally as a result of I checked the highest of the checklist and the scores began to get insane. It seems I wasn’t the primary particular person to appreciate that you would dominate a leaderboard if no person else gave a crap. Besides these individuals within the prime ten clearly very a lot cared and labored very, very exhausting for his or her tons of of tens of millions of factors.
Sadly, I couldn’t go on perpetually. Dragon’s Dogma 2 was popping out and I couldn’t bear listening to Charlie Brown put down Pig-Pen another rattling time with out throwing my Steam Deck at a passing automotive. The sport had gotten below my pores and skin. First in that basic “Simply One Extra Flip” method after which, later, in that basic “I Want To Cease Earlier than One thing Dangerous Occurs As a result of I Am Shedding My Rattling Thoughts.”
Since then, I haven’t risen a lot increased. And I do respect that even my place on the checklist is so very simple to beat. I promise that if any of you studying this put quarter-hour into Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball, you would beat me like a dad holding a sock stuffed with oranges. However between hand tremors and by no means wanting to consider Snoopy ever once more, my rank might be going to remain the place it’s till another person does barely higher.
That mentioned, I nearly did it. I’ll not have been the perfect on this planet. I’ll not have even been within the prime ten. However of the billions of human beings on this stunning, fragile planet, I used to be the 51st greatest at losing my time on what I’m sure is the least-played pinball desk ever placed on a pc display. I used to be the 51st greatest that ever was. In actually every other online game I rank between “rubbish” and “Emil Cioran’s means to really feel pleasure.” However right here? Solely 50 different individuals have put up higher numbers in Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball.
And god bless them, as a result of I assume it’s pushed them insane. There’s a purpose the band Queen pluralized the time period, as a result of we really are the champions.
Mike Drucker is an Emmy-nominated author and almost-world champion pinball participant. Observe him on X.